My mom had depression growing up and so it was something that ran in our family. While as for my dad, he is kind of the strong-willed type. However, for my dad, his father was physically abusive. And for him, being verbally abusive was his way of not following his father’s footsteps. 

Sadly, I don’t think he knows the harm that it could do either. Especially when children are prone to depression. However, for me, I didn’t know it was depression – and that was noticeable until I was 12 years old. I always felt more prone to sadness and there’s the constant feeling of people doesn’t like me. Even I was surrounded by friends, it just always felt like they were faking it. 

At 12 years old, my mom sent me to a neurologist and I was put on full-strength Prozac.

When I was in 7th grade, I fainted in class. My teacher that time sent me to the nurse and checked my vitals. Luckily, there was nothing wrong with me. The nurse then started asking questions like, “What have you eaten today?” the more I think about it, I only had like a glass of chocolate milk and a couple of slices of bread. 

At that point, they started calling my parents. And that’s where it started. For my parents, mental health is like physical health. You go to a doctor, get a prescription and you get back to normal.

My mother, despite her depression, never had done therapy. For her, Prozac worked. From the age of 12 to 19, I was on and off medication regularly. I had four different medications during that time because of my depression which manifest with suicidal ideation strongly. 

The depressed feeling made me feel numb and so do all of the happy feelings. And that just made my suicidal ideation more real and scarier. Because there’s nothing scarier than feeling okay. 

At the age of 19, I decided I don’t want to take prescription depression medicines anymore. Soon after that, I found cannabis. I don’t know if it’s something I can talk about, but It has been reliable to keep from hitting from my trauma points. Not exactly the trauma itself, but when my suicidal ideations are out of control. 

I got to the point where I was legitimately ready to kill myself and I was planning it. I was already asking people who would take my cats.

At the time I was 23, I went through a traumatic period. When I was 15, a guy we knew physically assaulted me. They all took his side and I had no one to trust on. I was terrified and alone. I spent three months in my bedroom just by myself. 

After that, it was about 2008 or 2010 where I finally got out and tried to build my life. The economy crashed and I was going through a bad breakup. In the end, I go back to my parents which were like walking into all of the triggers, swimming in it every day.

At that point, it took me a while. I got to the point where I was legitimately ready to kill myself and I was planning it. I was already asking people who would take my cats. And of course, anybody who knew what was going on was like, “stop doing that.” 

One day I had this thought. If I drowned my cats in the bathtub first, then I wouldn’t have to worry about who was going to take care of them. At that moment, I knew I need real help. Luckily in Irving, there’s a program where you live or work in a van and you can get therapy for free. 

I went there and I was honest with them. I told them

“Look, I’m suicidal. I don’t want to act on it. That’s why I’m here, it’s kind of an emergency.”

They got me in pretty quickly. I did regular talk therapy for about a year and a half to get through all of that. I started to work on my life – I try to be aware of my decisions, be more aware of my depression, and make sure to ask for help before I go to that point again. 

Once I got out of my parents, it was a lot easier to work through that. Periodically, I lost two of my grandparents with six months of each other. Again, I would go back to talk to a counselor to work through the pain and fear that I was feeling. I make sure that I go down that path again. 

I also make sure not to take my illness out on the people around me. Because that was something I noticed a lot in other people that struggle with mental health. Sometimes, they use it as an excuse. My brother is an example – he will be somewhat abusive to the people around him and say sorry afterward. At that time, I was already depressed and I didn’t want to be like that. So I try hard to stay ahead of it as best as I could. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even when it’s scary, even when you don’t want to go.

Even when you feel worse after a therapy session – you will get the help you need. None of us can carry all of this by ourselves. 

We must be honest with the people we love and trust. Because when you try to hide your mental illness, it’s just going to be worse. Because when an episode comes in, you’re going to make excuses. But when you’re honest with what you’re feeling, whatever you’re going through – then it can help the people around you to understand you.  

Don’t be afraid to think outside of the box. I have struggled with going to a psychiatrist and they would talk to me for full 15 minutes then prescribe me something. I knew that those prescriptions weren’t going to work for me, and every time I’d see a doctor, they just put me on different medicines. 

That’s why you shouldn’t be afraid to look for other resources. Yoga, meditation, church or group, therapy, whatever it is – as long as you think outside the box and find what works for you and your mental health. We’re all different, and we all need different things. 

The more we talk about mental health, the more it brings awareness. It may seem like it’s not a big deal, but you never know who’s up searching, scrolling, and looking for something to read somebody so that they feel like they can connect with.